


Heaven And Back

by homosexual_doritoburrito



Category: Euphoria (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Falling In Love, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-13
Updated: 2019-09-11
Packaged: 2020-08-20 10:16:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20226205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/homosexual_doritoburrito/pseuds/homosexual_doritoburrito
Summary: Rue woke up to an unfamiliar silence. It was cold. Suddenly her heart monitor startled her, as she looked down realized that she was in a hospital gown. Her brain was lost in a haze, as she tried remembering how she got there.What happens after Episode 1x08.





	1. NOBODY FALLS

Rue woke up to an unfamiliar silence. It was cold. Suddenly her heart monitor startled her, as she looked down realized that she was in a hospital gown. Her brain was lost in a haze, as she tried remembering how she got there. 

As she began scanned the room she noticed Gia and her mom beside her. They were sleeping uncomfortably in the chairs next to her bed.

“Hey” Rue whispered, her voice was weak from everything she had been through. 

Her mom immediately opened her eyes. It was obvious that she had been crying beforehand. Gia had been too. 

“Rue…Rue… I was so worried. You had an overdose.” Sniffled Leslie. She immediately got up and began hugging Rue tightly. Rue felt tears wetting her shoulder as they embraced. 

“I’m so sorry. I fucked up again.” Said Rue, beginning to sob herself. Slowly her memories began to piece themselves together. 

The winter formal, Jules, Nate, That girl Jules was talking to on the phone, Jules leaving her…

This moment lasts for a while. Both parties continuing to cry and holding on to each other. It’s oddly comforting to Rue. The warmth her mother gave her made her feel safe for this small moment. She knows her family isn’t perfect, but she slowly begins to remember why she stayed. It would have killed her if she had hurt her family even more than the last time. 

But you did

“I’m so sorry, I promise I’ll never do that again. I’ll never ever try to hurt you again.” Rue repeats. She means it. 

“I know Rue, I know.” Rue’s mom replies.

“Jules wanted to go away and she wanted me to go with her. I told her I couldn’t, so she just left. She left me. It’s all my fault. I’m the reason why she’s gone. I’m a burden on everyone.” 

“It isn’t your fault Rue. Do not blame yourself, you are not a burden.” 

Gia had been silent the entire time with tears on her own; she couldn’t manage to say a word. Rue didn’t blame her, seeing your sister almost die never got easier. She had overdosed before. What was going to stop it from happening again? Her mind kept returning to Jules. But Jules was gone. 

Ali was right. It didn’t last. I’m a fucking dumbass for believing that anything would ever last for me. 

Even in that moment, with the ones who loved her the most. Rue felt alone. But there was something different this time. Rue herself had not noticed it. But this time, she didn’t lie. She didn’t lie to her family or herself. 

She had made a choice. She chose this over Jules. 

Was it worth it?

* * *

Rue was told that she would be in the hospital for the next couple of days. She was lucky that she didn’t end up any worse. It was common for people who relapsed to overdose. Rue didn’t realize that her body couldn’t take that much anymore. 

There were moments of silence, where she would replay all her moments with Jules. She would fantasize what would have happened if she had got onto that train with her. She would close her eyes, and pretend that it was all just a dream. The funny thing was, she didn’t want drugs anymore. She just wanted Jules back. She wanted to substitute one high for another. 

It was back to square one, back to where she was at the beginning of school. Alone. She had a fresh shot at being sober. A part of her still didn’t understand why she felt different.

The biggest deal to her was that she made a choice. She chose to go back and face reality instead of running away. She chose to let Jules go. She chose to go back to the drugs. She had been a prisoner of her own impulses for the past 17 years. Maybe it was time she freed herself from that purgatory. 

* * *

Lexi was always shy; she didn’t have that many friends of her own. She mostly just hung around Cassie’s friends. No-one she could call her own. She played it safe. She thought liked it that way. To her, high school was something to run away from. 

She was desperate to grow up, but at the same time she clung onto the things that reminded her of simpler times. It was confusing. One of those things she tried to hold on to the hardest was Rue.

Rue represented the past, her memories, and her childhood. A time before life really had gained a 3rd dimension of harsh reality. 

She found herself thinking about Rue a lot lately. The way she walked without a care in the world. The oversized and colorful clothes she would wear. How her hair covered her face and how it would bounce when she moved. Lexi found her mind wandering back to Rue. Lexi wouldn’t admit it herself. But there was a weird feeling of warmth in her chest whenever she thought of Rue. These feelings were often brushed aside before, but Lexi noticed these feelings slowly creeping back. 

These feelings were on full display at the winter formal. She spent the night staring at Jules and Rue, letting her mind wander when they went out of view. In this moment of supposed celebration, she felt empty. She felt alone. So she let occupied herself with a crude mixture of Everclear and Gatorade. It had a vile taste, but it matched the moment. 

Lexi usually didn’t receive any texts from anyone, often just getting notifications from social media. When Gia had texted her the morning after the winter formal she knew something was either very right, or very wrong. After enduring a hangover from the night earlier, the news was enough to knock her back into reality.

Rue had overdosed again.

She sat in silence. She didn’t want to lose Rue again. She had too much to say to her. She couldn’t just wait for Rue to come around this time. 

Lexi rushed to the hospital on her bike. She didn’t visit Rue the first time she overdosed; she wasn’t going to let it happen again. 

As she began to leave the house, she heard her mother’s voice. “Lexi, you’re up. Did you have a good time last night?” 

“It was fine.” Lexi lied. Her mind wandered back to the winter formal once again, she found herself lying about most of her social life.

“Where are you going?”

“I’m going to visit Rue.” She felt uncomfortable telling her mother that Rue had relapsed again and was in the hospital. Not that her mother would forbid her from going, she just felt it was too personal. 

“Ok, just be careful. Just let me know if you’re staying over at her place.” Her mother replied. It had been a while since Lexi has been over at Rue’s. 

* * *

Rue was drifting away in her hospital bed. She had fantasized about Jules coming back, and visiting her, apologizing. Not that Jules had ever done anything wrong in her eyes. She imagined Jules promising to stay with her forever and never leaving her. Rue knew this would never happen. In that moment she knew it was over. If she was to stay sober, she needed to do it for herself. She needed to do it for her family. Ali was right; Jules was just another drug to her. And Rue needed a fix. 

As she began sinking into her bed, Rue heard quiet footsteps approaching her room. She knew better, but she wanted Jules to be the one coming through those doors. As the door slowly crept open, Rue saw someone she didn’t expect. 

It was Lexi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My tumblr account is: https://thewondertoast.tumblr.com/
> 
> If you wanna ask me anything don't be afraid to shoot me a question.


	2. The Blue

“Hey” Lexi muttered, quietly stepping towards Rue. The room was darker than she expected. The cold brisk air in addition to the smell of disinfectant made Lexi immediately feel uncomfortable. 

“Lexi?” croaked Rue. Her voice still hadn’t recovered. She didn’t expect Lexi to come at all. In fact, Lexi had not been in the realms of her thoughts lately. She talked to her briefly during the winter formal, but her concentration was occupied on Jules and Nate. It wasn’t what Rue had dreamed for, but it wasn’t entirely a nightmare. 

“Are you alright? I heard what happened after the winter formal.” Lexi said, taking a seat next to Rue. Upon a closer look, Rue looked bad. It wasn’t anything to do with her face or anything like that. It was her facial expression. Her eyes were blank. It was hard to explain for Lexi, there wasn’t a distinct emotion attached to them. Her eyes weren’t sad or angry. They looked tired. 

“Everything is alright Howard. I cracked the case” Rue replied. Her voice was shaky. The words were a struggle to let out. Rue was still defensive. Despite her situation she was still on edge. She didn’t feel comfortable with telling Lexi the truth. Lexi wasn’t Jules. Rue could tell Jules everything. 

Lexi paused. Even though they haven’t been all too close lately, Lexi still knew when Rue was hiding something. The detective play was just a cover to get Lexi away from what was actually bothering Rue. The same thing happened the last time Rue went to the hospital. It may have been a surprise back then, but Lexi had played over the events of Rue’s infection over and over again in her mind. She wasn’t going to let it happen again. 

“Rue, I’m serious. I’m worried about you.”

“I’m a fuck up Lexi. I’m a burden,” Rue said. She didn’t have the courage to look Lexi in the eyes. Tears began to form again, as if Rue hadn’t cried enough lately. But she wasn’t fully honest with Lexi. Rue had always felt weird opening up to Lexi. It wasn’t because she was judgmental. Quite the opposite, Lexi was the most comforting and understanding person Rue knew. Lexi would never get mad at her; she would always forgive her, offer her undying support. In that regards, she was perfect. That’s what made it weird. Rue was always trying to find a person who would accept completely her for who she was. When she found that in Lexi, it felt wrong. Rue didn’t deserve someone like her as a friend. She didn’t like comparing Lexi to Jules. But Jules excited her, Lexi didn’t. Jules made her feel things, Lexi didn’t. 

“No you’re not a burden Rue, you’re my best friend. You are so important to everyone.” Lexi whispered. She wrapped her arms around Rue in comfort. As they embraced, Lexi felt her heart fluttering and her breaths becoming sharper. It was a touching moment. But Lexi had picked up something in Rue’s response. Her mind wandered back to the Halloween party. Rue had said the same thing. 

I think something happened between Rue and Jules.

Now that she picked up on it, Lexi wondered about Jules. 

Where is she? Both of them are inseparable for the past year, was Jules the cause her relapse? 

Lexi didn’t hate Jules; in fact she quite liked her. She was nice, funny and Lexi knew she was a huge part of Rue’s recent sobriety. When Lexi got closer to her, she could understand why Rue was so drawn to Jules. She was confident. That’s something Lexi never had. Maybe it was the reason why Jules had replaced Lexi as Rue’s best friend. It pained Lexi to see it; no one wants to see his or her best friend drift off with someone new. But Lexi had to put on a strong face and allow Rue be happy. Lexi was ready to be on the sidelines, to be Rue’s backup. It wasn’t a new feeling, Lexi was used to being overshadowed. She understood from a young age that she would always be second in people’s hearts. Cassie outshined her in everyone’s eyes except Rue. Now Rue found someone to outshine Lexi.

As Jules travelled through the depths of Lexi’s thought, she began to seriously think about Jules impact on Rue.

Rue and Lexi had remained in that it position for a while. Rue felt safe again, it was similar to her mom, but there was an unknown feeling that followed Lexi’s embrace. Rue couldn’t place a finger on what made it different, only that it was.

Rue’s mind went back to the same thought every single time she thought of Lexi. Rue felt sorry. Despite all the shit Rue gave Lexi, she was here. She was hugging her, comforting her. She didn’t leave her on a train away from home. She wasn’t Jules. Rue held on tight, so she could remember this. Something had to change. Maybe it started with Lexi. It wouldn’t be easy. 

The silence had gone on for a while. Rue gradually felt more comfortable with Lexi’s presence. So did Lexi. 

“Jules left me.” Rue said. Breaking the silence with something that hurt to say. Rue fought herself to let that out.

There was an agonizing silence. Lexi was right. It was surprising to her that it was. 

“Oh.” Lexi mumbled. She didn’t know what to say. It was a sensitive subject. Lexi had to be delicate with her words. She didn’t want to upset Rue. She knew Jules still meant a lot to Rue. 

“It’s ok, I’m here now” Lexi continued. 

Rue didn’t respond, she only chose to hang onto Lexi for as long as she could. 

* * *

It became some sort of a routine throughout Rue’s extended stay in the hospital. Lexi would come visit Rue everyday, often telling Rue stories that Lexi had heard from Cassie. They would talk for hours on end about the past. Lexi would also bring food from home; it was better than the stuff they served in the hospital. Despite everything that had happened, Rue felt stable again. She looked forward to Lexi’s visits. A part of her felt guilty that Lexi was such a big part of her recovery. Rue wouldn’t admit it, but she needed Lexi there, she wasn’t sure if she could have lasted this far without Lexi.

Lexi herself began looking forward to visiting rue in the hospital. The sight of Rue recovering was tough to watch. But Lexi felt that the time they spend together was making the best out of a bad situation. This was a new part of Rue’s life where Lexi was present in. Deep down, Lexi knew the visits were also helping her too. There was a quiet layer of comfort that had covered them during those visits. A part of Lexi was afraid that this feeling would end after Rue recovered. Someone more interesting, someone who wasn’t like her, would inevitably replace Lexi’s place.

* * *

It was the last day of Rue’s stay at the hospital. Lexi felt a unnerving anxious energy take over her as she got ready to go for her hopefully last visit to Rue at the hospital. The past week felt simultaneously long and short at the same time. She enjoyed visiting Rue. It felt good to have her best friend back. As she began making her way down the stairs she heard her mother from the kitchen.

“Lexi, you going to Rue’s again? You’ve been out with her this entire week. I guess you guys are back to best friends.” Lexi’s mother announced. She still didn’t know about Rue’s overdose. Lexi had avoided that part purposefully. 

“Yeah.” Replied Lexi. A warm feeling entered her stomach. She let out a small smile. 

“Well we should have her family over for dinner tonight. Whens the last time we did that?”

“I don’t think that’s the best idea.” 

“Why not? I’m sure Leslie wouldn’t mind”

“Rue’s been in the hospital the past week. She’s leaving today.”

“Oh. Maybe another time.” She shook her head in understanding. Lexi’s mother had known the Bennett family for long enough to know what a hospital visit meant. 

“Yeah, maybe another time. Bye Mom.” Lexi was thankful that her mother understood. This was the one of the benefits of being the younger sister. She didn’t get as many questions as Cassie. 

* * *

Rue had been waiting for Lexi to come by. To be honest, those moments with Lexi were the only thing stopping her from losing her mind any more than she already had. She killed the time by counting the number of bricks on the old walls of the hospital. Because of Lexi, Rue found herself thinking less about Jules and drugs. Those cravings began to dull. But they could frequently come back in full force in the hours of the night when Rue was along. The thing is, Lexi didn’t give Rue the same high, she didn’t feel excited around her, and she felt safe. In her mind Rue didn’t deserve Lexi, she had treated her like shit and she was paid back in gold. 

Rue began to hear Lexi’s familiar footsteps in the hall. She fought back a smile.

“Hey Bennett” 

“Hey Howard”

“It’s your last day!” Lexi was smiling, placing her hand on top of Rue’s. Lexi’s breath began to feel heavier. 

“Back to solving cases and catching criminals” Rue reverted back to her detective persona. 

“The captains assigned us a new case.” Lexi played along with Rue. It was fun; their detective role-play reminded her of when they were kids. 

“Haven’t even gotten out of the hospital and duty calls.” 

Both of them spent the next hour joking around the multiple crimes they had solved over the years; all except for the missing case of the runaway girl. 

Rue and Lexi had conveniently avoided the topic of Jules the entire time they were in the hospital. Rue didn’t want to be reminded of Jules. Lexi didn’t want to remind Rue of Jules. Despite this, she still wandered in there minds. If it were up to Rue, she would stay silent about Jules forever. She didn’t want her heart to be broken again. She didn’t want to regret her decision. There was no better way then to ignore the fact that she made one. 

Lexi began thinking about Jules, as they went through their cases, was it the reason why Jules left, did Nate have something to do with it?”

“Have you heard from Jules?” questioned Lexi. 

The room immediately fell quiet. Lexi wanted to take it back; it was a mistake bringing Jules up.

“No” Rue looked away. 

“I just thought she might have told you were she was. I think your mom said something about her dad trying to find her.” Lexi scrambled with her words, trying to find her 

“Lexi stop.” Rue began to get annoyed. Everything was fine until Lexi brought up Jules. She had no right; she didn’t know how it felt see her leave on that fucking train. 

“Ok. I know she left you and it’s a sore subject. I’m sorry I brought it up.” Lexi squeezed Rue’s hand. But Rue pulled away. Lexi’s heart dropped. 

“Jesus, fuck you Lexi. Jules is none of your fucking business. You don’t understand how it feels to be abandoned and have nobody fucking care for you.” 

Lexi’s chest began to hurt. She did know how it felt. She did care about Rue. Did their time together not matter? Tears began to blur Lexi’s vision. Her image of Rue began to lose focus. She knew this was going to happen. This friendship was never going to last.

I’m a fucking idiot.

She left the room in tears.

* * *

Lexi spent the rest of the day in bed. Luckily nobody was home, so she could have a breakdown in peace. Waves of emotions rushed through her mind as she played the conversation over and over in her mind. The pain of the conversation stayed throughout the day, with her chest feeling sore. Rue’s words had stabbed a hole in her heart. She didn’t want to feel anything. 

Why did I say that? Why did I bring up Rue.

It happened so quickly. It was too much for Lexi to process.

She cried herself asleep that night. 

* * *

In the middle of the night Lexi received a text message. It was from Rue.

Rue: “I’m sorry”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My tumblr account is: https://thewondertoast.tumblr.com/
> 
> If you wanna ask me anything don't be afraid to shoot me a question.


	3. ARE WE STILL FRIENDS?

Waves of pain struck Lexi throughout the night. She woke up restless, unable to stop thoughts that cycled through her mind. Nothing felt right, her bed was too soft, and her blankets were too warm. Lexi felt imprisoned in her room. Rue’s words kept her up. Lexi blamed herself for bringing up Jules. She should have never gotten between Rue and Jules. Lexi knew that Rue didn’t really care about her. She was just a placeholder for Jules. It was frustrating. Lexi would never do anything to hurt Rue. She would never leave her. She would never let her overdose. She would even let Rue hurt her. Why what did she do to deserve this? All these questions formed a dull pain in her chest. Lexi felt horrible. 

Lexi was always an open book. She never had anything to hide to her sister. There was never any trouble that went her way. It seemed like she lived a safe and adverse-free to compensate for the tumultuous Howard family. Lexi was the youngest, and therefore saw all dangers that lied ahead of her. Cassie’s relationship troubles, her mother’s alcoholism and her dads drug problem. She was supposed to be the best of them. Lexi was supposed to be the one that got away from trouble. But in that moment, Lexi was chasing trouble in the form of Rue Bennett. Maybe it was that Lexi saw it in her own family, that it the pain they felt would pass onto her. Maybe that’s why Rue would never be able to ever fully push Lexi away.

One of the things about sharing a room was that you couldn’t have an emotional meltdown in private. There was an audience of one. Cassie spent the night watching Lexi quietly cry herself to sleep while tossing and turning the entire night. Lexi didn’t have any friends that could elicit that emotional reaction from her. She only had Rue for that. It wasn’t the first time either. Cassie had noticed that Lexi had similar spouts of sadness during the beginning of the year. She had heard that Rue visited before that breakdown. It had to be more of a coincidence that Rue was spotted at all these times. It was tense. Lexi rarely showed this type of reaction. It was usually the other way around. Lexi was often the one to comfort Cassie. 

“Lexi, are you ok?” Cassie said. She lifted herself up so she could see Lexi. It was late; their room was slightly illuminated by the glittery effects that decorated their cozy room.

“Cassie. I don’t know. I feel really bad.” Mumbled Lexi. Her face was buried inside her pillow. She didn’t want to face Cassie. It hurt thinking about Rue. It hurt much more talking about her. 

“What’s wrong?” Cassie wanted to be straightforward about Rue. But she knew Lexi was shy. 

“What do you usually do if you get into a really fight with a friend?” Lexi lifted herself up and began staring at Cassie. Her eyes were sore after spending the last few hours crying to herself about Rue. 

“Did something happen with Rue?” 

“We got into a fight.” Lexi whimpered; her voice was shaking. It was a lie. They didn’t really fight. It was more along the lines of Rue getting mad at Lexi and Lexi leaving.

“Don’t worry. I’m sure you and Rue are fine. You’ve been friends for almost forever. I’m sure it will get better.,” said Cassie. She got up and moved to Lexi’s bed. 

“Every time I try to get closer with Rue. It seems like she closes herself off to me. It’s like I’m not good enough for her. I know I’m not Jules. But I just like her so much.” Said Lexi, tears started streaming down her face. She used her blanket to wipe away the tears. It physically hurt her saying those words.

“You’re not Jules. You just have to be yourself Lexi. Rue has problems. Don’t let her treat you like this. You are an amazing person, anyone would be lucky to be your friend.” 

“It’s not that easy. I really like her. It’s hard going through this over and over again.”

“You have to have some respect for yourself. If Rue isn’t going to do that, then she doesn’t deserve you. Don’t talk to her for a while. It’s hard. But it will help. You can’t be available all the time; if you do people will take you for granted.”

“I guess.” Lexi thought about it hard. It would be difficult to ignore Rue. Lexi’s mind would wander whenever she was away from Rue. She would worry about being replaced again, being left behind, becoming alone again. It wasn’t healthy. It pained her, but Cassie was right. Lexi needed to stay away for a while, no matter how much it hurt.

The room fell quiet again. Cassie made it back to her bed and fell asleep. Leaving Lexi alone with her thoughts once again. 

Lexi looked at Rue’s message repeatedly. The pain flushed away as soon as she read the message, it was replaced with butterflies. Her entire mood had shifted by two words. Lexi felt pathetic. But at least Rue was sorry. Lexi’s mind kept going back to what Cassie had said the night before. She was right. Lexi needed to give herself some space before responding. 

It was harder than it sounds. 

The boredom that came from the winter holidays crept up on her fast. It was taken early to be preparing for Christmas, Cassie was still asleep and her mother was out working. She never thought she would long for school to come back on, but here was. Lexi tried finding ways to distract her.

Lexi pulled out her computer and began browsing the Internet for anything that could distract her. 

* * *

Rue felt bad. That’s all Rue could feel on the ride home from the hospital. She checked her phone periodically to see if Lexi responded to her text. Lexi was there for her for this entire ordeal, and Rue still managed to drive her away. What was wrong with her? She shouldn’t have got mad at Lexi. After all, Lexi wasn’t the one who left her at the train station. Lexi wasn’t the reason Rue relapsed. Lexi wasn’t the one who was in love with someone else. Lexi wasn’t the one sending mixed signals. 

Lexi was the one who stayed with her. Even after everything Rue had done. 

Ali was right; Jules got bored of me and left me behind. 

It’s hard admitting that you’re wrong. It’s even harder to admit when you knew how it ended and you still managed to fuck it all up. Rue had trouble. This is why she did drugs. She didn’t want to go through her mistakes; she didn’t want to focus on herself in this moment. She wanted to do the same thing that she always wanted. Rue always wanted disappears into the night, without a care in the world. But when she had the chance she didn’t take it. So was it really what she wanted? Or was it just another place to hide?

A small part of Jules perfect image inside Rue’s consciousness began to wither away. Slowly Lexi began to occupy her mind. 

Things seemed different this time. Rue would always feel chipper when going back home after the hospital. It was a way for her to avoid the awkward conversation about her sobriety. Rue never wanted to stay sober all those times before. Something was different this time. This time, Rue wanted to stop. She had that moment of clarity right before her overdose. In this window, she saw herself. Rue kept on going back to that image in her head. There was no grand adventure. It wasn’t a colorfully framed trip. She didn’t hear the screams inside her head. She just saw herself.  
Leslie noticed Rue’s new demeanor. The silence was deafening. She had never seen Rue this quiet. Jules really did do a number on Rue. But who could blame Jules; even with all that effort, Leslie couldn’t keep Rue sober in her own house. Jules certainly didn’t deserve to have carried that burden on her. It wasn’t her sole responsibility. She could see Jules tried her best. Nobody wants to be burdened by the shackles of someone else’s addiction. Weirdly enough, Leslie felt oddly optimistic about Rue’s sobriety. It seemed like the overdose really grounded her. Besides, she liked that Lexi had come back into Rue’s life. It’s a shame that she wasn’t there with Jules, but Leslie always thought that Lexi was a good influence on Jules. 

“Rue, how are you feeling?” asked Leslie. She turned to see Rue looking out the window. 

“I’m good mom.” Rue responded, she got lost in her mind counting the number of buildings they passed by. 

“Maybe later Lexi can come over and spend the night. It seems like you both have made up.” 

There was a long pause. 

“I had a fight with Lexi. I think she’s mad at me” Rue said. Pulling up her hood. 

“I’m sure whatever fight you had won’t last forever. She’s always forgiven you. Don’t forget, she’s known you since you were kids.”

“I think I really messed up this time.”

“What happened?” Gia butted in with concern. She liked Lexi; she always had a sneaking suspicion that Lexi was in love in Rue. Gia always noticed how Lexi acted around Rue. It was amusing. She always thought that Lexi was a good fit for Rue. So when Lexi began coming around to visit Rue, Gia couldn’t help but feel excited about their reunion. 

“I don’t really want to talk about it.” Rue groaned. She didn’t want to talk about how she drove Lexi away after she had mentioned Jules. 

“Just say apologize to her, Rue.” Gia responded while shaking her head. 

“How do you know I’m the one who needs to apologize?” Rue said in a defensive tone.

“I say this as your sister. But Lexi would never do anything wrong.” Gia smiled as she stared at Rue.

“Shut up.” Rue groaned. She didn’t want to admit it, bu Gia was right. She always was. This really was her fault. She needed to apologize. She already lost Jules. Rue couldn’t afford to lose Lexi. 

“You know I’m right. Go apologize to her.” Gia smiled. Whenever Rue told her to shut up, it meant she was right. She really hoped Rue would apologize to Lexi. Gia was rooting for the both of them. 

Leslie smiled. She was glad that Rue and Lexi were back together. Everything was back to normal. But that weird feeling came back to her, like everything was going to be ok. 

* * *

Lexi spent the entire day trying not to think about Rue. The fact that the day was so uneventful made it even harder for her. Spending the day with Cassie and the others was always a little awkward. Maddy would complain about Nate, while Cassie and Kat would add whatever negative opinions they had on him. Kat would talk about Ethan while Lexi would sit there listening. She was never really interested in any of it. It was fun living vicariously through their stories, but a part of it made Lexi feel empty. She never really had any meaningful relationship. She had Rue. There were feelings of affection and warmth between them that Lexi treasured, but nothing that matched the graphic stories her friends would tell her. Although it was tough, it felt somewhat nice to spend time with other people not named Rue. She let the laughs and giggles of her friends take attention as she tried to forget about the day before. 

By the time they got home Lexi was tired. The mix of boredom and social interaction drained Lexi. She just wanted to lie down on her bed and stare at her phone for the next millennium. It was comfortable. Scrolling through her messages reminded her that she successfully avoided Rue for an entire day. It felt bad, but it supposed to be an achievement. 

“Lexi, do you wanna watch a movie?” asked Cassie. She knew Lexi was having trouble today, so she wanted to help. 

“Sure.” Lexi responded quietly. She tried to hide her sadness through a monotone voice. She climbed onto Cassie’s bed as they began looking through Netflix for a movie to watch. 

* * *

Rue decided she needed to apologize. The emptiness of her room jumped out at her. It felt weird being off drugs again, especially without Jules. Without her vices, she needed to get out of there. She needed to be around someone. She needed Lexi. 

Thankfully her mom was asleep on the couch, so she didn’t need to explain herself. The last thing she needed was her mom thinking she was back on drugs. Rue carefully put her red jacket and snuck into Gia’s room. She was talking to someone on the phone when Rue entered.

“Gia, I’m going over to Lexi’s place tonight. If mom asks, just let her know where I am. I don’t want to worry her again.” Rue smiled. 

Gia smiled back. It was finally happening. Lexi and Rue were going to get together. She put her thumbs up in response.

* * *

Lexi’s light was back on when Rue made it to the Howard household. The faint noise of the TV crept out of the house. It must have been Lexi’s mom passed out on the couch. It was a common thing at her house; Rue had seen that scene a lot of times. Rue took a deep breath, not knowing what she was going to say. A wave of anxiety hit her as she stepped onto the porch. This was a bad idea. It took a while for Rue to ring the doorbell. She kept on pacing back and forth, trying to think about what to say to Lexi. Rue was sure only sure about one thing. She was sorry.  


So Rue gathered her courage and rang the doorbell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My tumblr account is: https://thewondertoast.tumblr.com/
> 
> If you wanna ask me anything don't be afraid to shoot me a question.
> 
> If it wasn't obvious already, the chapters are named after songs. Go check them out!


	4. After The Storm

Cassie opened the door. A faint distinguishable smile entered her face when she saw Rue.

“Hey Cassie. Is Lexi home?” Rue stuttered. For some reason she didn’t expect Cassie to answer the door. She spent all her time thinking about what to say to Lexi that forgot about everyone else in the Howard household. 

“Yeah. She’s upstairs in our room. Come in.” Cassie said. She smiled. Cassie always knew that Lexi liked Rue ever since they were kids. The way Lexi would light up whenever she was around Rue told Cassie everything she needed to know. So Rue being there to apologize to Lexi was good news. 

“Thanks.” Replied Rue. Cassie’s smile threw her off. Rue felt awkward, Cassie didn’t know why she was here. Rue tensed up and began rubbing her arm as she entered. 

“I’ll give you two some space.” Cassie whispered as she entered the kitchen. She didn’t want to intrude on the two. So she decided to take her time. Despite Rue’s confident exterior, those two were adorably awkward towards each other. Cassie didn’t want to be a third wheel. 

“Thanks Cassie.” Rue muttered, as she made her way up the stairs. She still didn’t know what to say to Lexi. Rue knew Lexi would forgive her. But it still felt uncomfortable. Rue was guilty of so many things, yet Lexi would never judge her. 

As Rue stood in front of Lexi’s bedroom door, she felt her heart begin to race. Rue took a deep breath and went in. 

She found Lexi lying on her bed in her pajamas. Rue blushed; she thought Lexi looked cute in them. Rue was taken aback, she never really thought of Lexi that way. Lexi had always had a very vanilla look. But I that moment, she found her eyes lingering on Lexi. Rue didn’t know what was happening to her. She only knew that the apology was about to get harder. 

“Hey.” mumbled Rue. She could hear her own voice. She hated it.

Lexi looked up and was caught by surprise. It was Rue. The last person she expected to be at her house. Throughout the day Lexi fantasized about Rue coming by apologizing to her. It made her feel warm. Lexi needed to remind herself that it would never happen. She had no doubt that they would make up, but it would have to be an effort from Lexi. But in when her wildest fantasy became reality, she felt overwhelmed by emotions. She didn’t know if she was happy that Rue was here or still upset at what she had said before. All Lexi knew was that it was awkward. 

“Hey.” Lexi responded. She sat up, and began hugging a pillow for comfort. It was the first time she saw Rue in normal clothes for a while. She forgot how much Rue loved to wear baggy clothes. Lexi tried to hide a smile, but she couldn’t fight it off. So she decided to hide it behind a pillow. Lexi began to slowly shift to the end of her bed, away from Rue. She was scared of being hurt again. Her chest began feeling a familiar pain. 

“I just wanted to come over and apologize. I’m so fucking sorry Lex. I should have never got angry with you. Everything has been fucked up recently. You’re the only one who cares about me and I still fucked that up. I promise I won’t ever do that again.” Rue started to tear up again as she got closer to Lexi. But she noticed Lexi was still sitting there. That was different. Lexi would always be the one to hug Rue first, say sorry first, and immediately forgive Rue. This time it was different. Rue got scared that she really messed up this time and had changed everything. A part of that was right. 

Lexi was lost for words. She didn’t know what to say in that moment. She had imagined this scene so many times inside her head. But she couldn’t react with anything except silence. I stung hard every time Rue did something like this. It was like she had two personalities that would constantly switch on and off. Lexi was tired of it. As Rue began moving closer towards her, Lexi shifted her body away from her. When she saw Rue’s tears, Lexi’s eyes followed. 

“Lexi, say something. I’m really sorry” Rue began to sob. The fact that Lexi didn’t cave immediately to Rue’s apologies made it feel worse. But in that moment Rue reached clarity. She needed to cherish Lexi. Hell, Rue didn’t really have anyone else who cared for her unconditionally. She needed to stop pushing her away. She needed to put an effort as a friend. She needed to hang on to Lexi before she left like Jules.

Lexi remained silent. What Rue said hurt. She wasn’t going to just let her off. Feelings of anger began to fill her head. She cycled through all the bullshit that Rue ever put her through. The countless urine samples, meltdowns, they all played in her mind. Stubbornly making it harder for Lexi to forgive Rue.

“I know you’re mad. You were right. Jules did leave me. She wasn’t there for me. You were.” Rue pleaded. She began wrapping her arms around Rue. She knew she shouldn’t be feeling anything but guilt in that moment, but she felt good touching Lexi. She closed her teary eyes and began to feel the fabric of her pajamas. Rue moved her hands along Lexi’s back. Lexi tried to gently resist, Rue felt her trying to lightly pry loose and push Rue away from her.But Rue held on tight and buried her face in Lexi’s hair, she wasn’t going to let go of her this time. She smelled the sweet scent of Lexi’s hair. She felt safe. 

Lexi tried to continuously stay mad at Rue. But she couldn’t. Rue’s persistence wore away at Lexi’s defenses. She felt her face get hot, while she endured Rue’s onslaught of affection. She took a deep breath and faced Rue. Rue looked horrible to say the least. There were tears running down her face as she her head was down. Her hair was a mess. Lexi felt her heart melt. Rue really was sorry this time. She had never seen her act this way because of Lexi. It was always because of Jules, drugs or her family. Never Lexi. It struck Lexi. In that room, in that moment in time, Rue was Lexi’s. 

Rue had closed her eyes for a while now. Unable to contain her tears, she spent the past minutes only feeling Lexi’s warmth. It felt like they had been there for hours. Rue didn’t like getting emotional. It was always the drugs and her addiction that made her feel this way. Ever since her dad got sick, she closed herself off. She didn’t like being honest with her feelings, she often laughed things off, made inappropriate jokes and never took anything seriously. She knew it was a way for her to stay in the past. It was a way for her to ignore the uncertainties of the future, the thoughts that scared her. Rue found herself changing ever since she had overdosed. She found herself thinking about the future. Lexi was he future. Rue didn’t want to lose Lexi in the past like Jules. She wanted Lexi to be part of her future. 

Like a replay of the hospital earlier, they found themselves in that position for a while. 

They stayed the same until Cassie came back into the room with snacks. She smiled as she saw them together. She cheered for them both inside her mind. There was still a little awkwardness from being promoted to a third wheel.

“Did you want to finish the movie we were watching?” asked Cassie. She didn’t really want to, but she wanted to break the silence. 

“Ok.” Rue muttered awkwardly as she looked at Lexi. Lexi gave a small nod. Rue half-heartedly smiled. Rue still felt tense, Lexi still didn’t forgive her yet. 

They shifted around awkwardly; Lexi moved quickly moved away from Rue’s grasp and began to watch the movie. Rue felt her heart drop to her stomach when Lexi moved to the other side of the bed. She knew it wouldn’t be easy getting Lexi to forgive her this time.

The lights went off. The sound of Cassie’s laptop flooded the room, as the bright light became the focus. She felt more relaxed as Rue plopped onto her own side of the bed. She wasn’t mad at Rue anymore, but she still felt uncomfortable forgiving her. It would take some time.

* * *

Over the course of the movie, Rue began to move closer to Lexi. It wasn’t her intention. But as the movie went on Rue tried to get more comfortable. This meant Rue continuously tossed and turned on the bed as Lexi and Cassie kept their eyes on the screen. Rue didn’t have the best attention span; she hated focusing on obvious things that demanded her attention. It was another reason why she liked drugs that much. The thing was, with Lexi here; she didn’t have any feel like she needed drugs. She just began to drift off. 

Lexi felt Rue’s head begin rest on her lap halfway through the movie. She let out a small breath. It felt good. She looked down to find the computers light illuminating Rue’s face. Lexi always thought Rue was pretty. Tonight she found herself breathless. She stared at Rue for a while. Lexi found herself getting lost. Lexi noticed a small strand Rue’s hair covering Rue’s face and proceeded to brush it away. She was so tempted to kiss her. After all, Rue was Lexi’s first kiss. 

Lexi couldn’t. Rue didn’t feel that way. She loved Jules, not Lexi. They had just fought the day before. It would have been a disaster if Lexi kissed Rue. It was inappropriate. They were just friends. 

Lexi kept telling herself those lies to make herself feel better.

She sighed and went back to watching the movie. She looked over at Cassie. Cassie was fully immersed in the movie; her eyes were glued to the screen. It’s a wonder they both don’t need to wear glasses. Watching movies on the laptop always hurt Lexi’s eyes. It was a blessing; thank god Cassie didn’t see any of that 

* * *

By the time the movie had finished Rue woke up. The loud sounds from the climax jolted Rue awake. Her head spin when she realized that she was resting on Lexi’s lap, but she decided to stay there. Did that mean Lexi had forgiven Rue. The experience left Rue wondering. 

Everyone was tired. 

“I’m tired. I think I’m going to go to sleep now. Goodnight Lexi, goodnight Rue.” Cassie announced. 

“Goodnight.” Said Lexi. It was the first word she had said in a long while. Her throat felt weird. 

The room fell again to another silence. Rue couldn’t take it anymore. She got up. 

“Lexi. I’m going to go. I’m sorry.” 

Lexi’s defenses broke down. Rue sounded like she was in pain. Lexi couldn’t leave them like this. She got up.

“Don’t leave. Stay.” Pleaded Lexi. She wrapped her arms around Rue. The height difference really showed itself in this moment. Lexi moved her head onto Rue chest and she held Rue tight. Rue hugged back, resting her chin on Lexi’s forehead. 

“I’m sorry Lexi.” Rue repeated. Shifting her head to look at Lexi.

Lexi let go of Rue and proceeded to cup Rue’s face gently. Their eye’s met. She lifted herself onto her toes and kissed Rue’s left cheek, then her right, then her forehead and her chin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My tumblr account is: https://thewondertoast.tumblr.com/
> 
> If you wanna ask me anything don't be afraid to shoot me a question.
> 
> If it wasn't obvious already, the chapters are named after songs. Maybe I should make a playlist?


	5. Curious

Rue couldn’t contain her smile. Lexi’s kisses lingered on Rue’s delicate face. Every kiss caused her heart to skip a beat, sending chills through her body. Rue’s couldn’t move, she could only enjoy the moment of pure ecstasy. It felt like the world around her was spinning, and Lexi was her only anchor. It was dark, but Rue focused on the faint shine in Lexi’s brown eyes. She forgot about all her anxieties, she forgot about Jules. In that moment, she only saw Lexi. Everything had changed Lexi was no longer just a friend in Rue’s eyes. Lexi became something more. Lexi became something to hold onto and never let go. 

Rue gently cupped Lexi’s face as she slowly moved towards her to kiss her. She closed her eyes in anticipation. A seeping rush of excitement and panic filled her head. Rue thought about all the times they were together, all their memories. Did Lexi always feel this way? Everything was going to change. Maybe it was time that they did. 

Everything did change. Lexi put her hands on Rue’s shoulders and held her in place. 

“Let’s go to bed.” Lexi whispered, trying to look away from Rue. Lexi took Rue’s hand and headed towards the bed. 

Rue didn’t understand what just happened. Her heart sank. Her head shook. Her knees gave way. Why didn’t Lexi want this to happen? Rue thought. In her moment of realization, she was pushed away by the one person who never would. Rue wondered if she had misread the situation between them. Did those kisses mean anything from Lexi? Was that normal behavior between friends? Why did Lexi start kissing Rue now? Did Lexi feel the same way? 

Questions jabbered around Rue’s head as she tried making sense of it. Even as she lay down on Lexi’s bed with her eyes closed, Rue still felt the room spinning around her. Rue was overwhelmed by her emotions and her thoughts, as they closed into her mind. 

Lexi couldn't comprehend what just happened before, during or after the kiss. She lost control of her body when she saw Rue's brown eyes. Her heart stopped as she pulled away from Rue. Her limbs felt like jelly as a mix of nervousness and uneasy happiness flooded every inch of her body. She didn't know if it was a mistake or the best risk she ever took. Thousands of thoughts raced into her mind, voices both cheering and shouting in Lexi's brain at the same time. Lexi felt so right, yet so wrong. It was the same feeling she got when she kissed Rue all that time ago. But the familiar feeling still felt fresh. When Rue slowly shifted her lips towards Lexi, she panicked. Did Lexi want to cross that line? Did Rue really like her back? Or was Lexi just another addiction ready to happen? Lexi had so many questions, so many things to say to Rue. But Lexi couldn't say a word. She felt her throat seize up as she tried to say something. It felt like she had run out of oxygen.

Lexi pulled away from Rue.

All of that was followed by an awkward stumble back to bed. No words were exchanged. Both had so much to say, but no chance to say it. Nobody was willing to break the fortified silence that had spread itself throughout every corner of that bed. Only sounds of Rue fidgeting underneath the covers managed to slip into the room. Lexi turned away, choosing to face away from Rue. She couldn't stand to see how Rue reacted after that. She clutched her blanket and tried to force herself asleep. She was going to regret this moment.

Rue couldn't take it. It felt like the world was off kilter. The bed felt unbalanced, the room was too warm, and her surroundings bombarded her with sensations. She started to panic. Trying to grab ahold of something to ground her. That's when she focused on Lexi. Looking at Lexi made her feel better. The view didn't give her a high; it did something foreign to Rue. It made her feel calm. Even after she literally pushed her away, Lexi still had that quality to her. Rue looked at Lexi's back. Her flowing brown hair left nape exposed. Her pajamas hugged her body tight, quite the opposite of the loose fitting clothes Rue preferred. That's what always fascinated Rue, Lexi wasn't afraid of things that fit. She didn't mind that it hugged her tight. She didn't need something that kept its distance. Rue began mirroring Lexi's breaths and it worked. Rue had overcome her momentary panic attack. She wrapped her arms around Lexi. She heard Lexi skip a breath. Lexi let out a big smile as she felt Rue's body wrap around her. She was glad Rue couldn't see her.

Rue didn't dream about Jules for the first time in a long time. She dreamt about herself. Rue felt like she was getting better. She felt safe.

* * *

Cassie rubbed her eyes. She woke up next to her laptop for the third time this week. Cassie still felt hollow not immediately texting McKay. The void in her chest filled up as soon as she saw Rue and Lexi clinging to each other on the other side of the room. Their limbs were tangled to each other, as their breathing synchronized. It was about time Lexi got what she wanted though Cassie. She smiled as she got out of bed to prepare for the day. It was nearly Christmas, the Howard family was going out to shop for the holiday. Cassie scrambled out of the room after hearing her mothers voice from the kitchen. She didn’t want to embarrass the two when they got up.

“Girls, time for breakfast. I’m almost finished. Get down here.” 

“Coming!” replied Cassie. It was a mystery how Cassie’s mother managed to wake up that early even after all the alcohol she drank every night. Even then, she couldn’t complain about having a nice warm breakfast before going winter shopping. Cassie looked forward to doing it every year. It always the one time during the year the family was together, without her mother being hounded by work or Lexi and Cassie being smothered by their school life. 

The sonic mix of the footsteps and Suze’s shouts woke up the pair. As Lexi tried to get up, she found Rue’s lips rested onto her neck, alongside her arms wrapped around her tight. It was nice, she felt closer to Rue then she ever before. Rue’s gentle breath permeated on Lexi’s back, giving her chills. Lexi found herself falling back asleep, wanting to prolong this moment. She found herself drifting off, until she hears her mothers voice from the kitchen. Hearing this, Lexi immediately felt Rue’s arms pull away from her. Lexi’s excitement sank back into an awkward shuffle; she didn’t want that Rue to stop. 

Rue was mortified when she woke up. While she may have thought spooning Lexi was a good idea the night before, she quickly recalled Lexi’s reaction to her previous failed attempt at intimacy. She was sure Lexi wouldn’t have appreciated being spooned by Rue the entire night, especially in front of Cassie’s prying eyes. Rue didn’t have the confidence to play it off as friendliness or acknowledge the awkwardness of the entire situation, so she decided to not mention it at all. Rue chose to stare at Lexi for long enough to make it uncomfortable to remain silent. 

“Morning Howard. Looks like we’re getting called in by the captain.” Rue muttered. Cause when in doubt, its time to resort back to fantasies about solving crimes instead of being emotionally honest with your best friend. 

“Morning.” Cassie groaned back. If it wasn’t painfully obvious before, Rue’s avoidance made it sure that Lexi knew just how awkward it was last night between the two.

“Come on, let’s get a good breakfast and coffee before we solve some more crimes.” 

“Duty calls.” Lexi nodded. She decided that she wasn’t ready either to address whatever happened between them; so playing along would be a better idea. 

They stumbled down the stairs, sporting a healthy distance away from each other on the stairs. Both wanted to avoid another situation that possibly caused them to be close again. 

“Good morning girls.” Greeted Suze while holding onto two plates covered with an assortment of eggs, pancakes and bacon. It had been a long time since Rue had stayed over. She always liked the Bennett family; both families had a lot in common. She always felt a connection with Leslie, especially with both being single mothers raising two daughters. 

“Morning.” Lexi and Rue both responded in unison, the exhaustion in their voices was audible. They both eyed the coffee pot. Rue was surprised that Lexi’s mom knew she was here. 

“It looks like you two didn’t get an once of sleep last night. Did you guys stay up all night?” Suze asked, with jovial concern. 

Lexi didn’t know what to say. Choosing to respond with a grunt. It was too early for Lexi to handle the stress of lying about how she nearly kissed her best friend last night, especially the childhood best friend that she has had a crush on for almost forever. Her faced turned slight read. 

“Uh, we had some trouble sleeping.” Rue muttered. She was much more comfortable with lying about her emotions

Cassie giggled. She knew something was up between the two, she recognized Lexi’s nervous stammering, and it was the same stammering she experienced a long time ago. She also recognized the shade of red on Lexi’s face. She was falling for Rue. Falling Hard.

“Ok, eat up you two. Lexi, Cassie, we are going winter shopping today. So get ready. Feel free to join us Rue.” Suze announced. She knew there was something up between Rue and Lexi. But she chose not to embarrass Lexi today. Lexi was always much more reserved about her feelings, Suze wasn’t going to try and push her away. 

“I think I need to head home after this. My mum is expecting me.” Rue responded while digging into her breakfast. The truth was she didn’t know what she had planned for today. All she knew was she needed some time apart from Lexi. 

“No problem Miss Rue. But your family should join us for dinner one night. We haven’t seen them for a while. Ask Leslie if you guys can make it this weekend.”

“Sure.” 

“So what type of tree are we getting this year?” Asked Cassie

“I was thinking about a spruce Christmas tree?” Lexi said. 

After that exchange, everyone decided to return to eating breakfast with light conversation that didn’t go anywhere uncomfortable.

* * *

Lexi and Cassie went wild trying to find the perfect tree. She felt like a kid again, running around the lot, running and brushing pass every tree while holding hands with Cassie. Lexi spent the entire shopping trip stressing about Rue and trying to forget about what she did last night. She was tempted to text Rue. But she had nothing to say. Every possible message she thought of felt wrong. Lexi was hitting herself over what she did that night. She should have kissed Rue back. 

Rue spent the entire day with her family too. With Christmas closing in, they needed to buy gifts for everyone. Rue happily obliged, she enjoyed doing menial tasks for the fulfillment of others. Rue also enjoyed racing on the shopping carts with her sister. It made her feel free again. Despite this, she still felt a familiar pain after leaving Lexi’s house. It was made her feel bad whenever she got rejected. It felt worse this time, especially when she was still getting over Jules. It was the same shit that hurt her before. But that was the silver lining. She didn’t really think about the drugs or Jules that night. It was different; the high she got from Jules was always on the same wavelength as the copious amount of drugs she took. For the past week the addiction screaming at her was lowered to a small whimper. 

All these silver linings didn’t save Rue from grim dark feelings she forced herself to contain inside. She ended up crashing onto her bed at the end of the day. Taunted by the emptiness of her phone, maybe Lexi never cared about Rue. Her mind went wild without anything to distract her.

Rue ended up watching random youtube videos to help her sleep, she felt her eyes forcibly closing themselves before she heard her phone go off. It must have been a recurring occurrence in their relationship, the late night text before bed. It must have been Lexi thought Rue. Like reacting to an unfunny joke, Rue dryly laughed to herself as she opened up her phone.

She couldn’t have been more wrong. It was from Jules.

Jules: “Hey Rue. I know its been while, but I really missed you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My tumblr account is: https://thewondertoast.tumblr.com/
> 
> If you wanna ask me anything don't be afraid to shoot me a question.
> 
> If it wasn't obvious already, the chapters are named after songs.
> 
> This time it was good old lesbian Jesus.


	6. The King

Rue couldn’t remember what happened immediately after she received that message. Thousand of thoughts flowed through her, making Rue feel utterly drowning after the possibility that Jules would come back. It was horrifying how one small sentence could have such a cascading effect on Rue. All the small steps Rue had taken towards getting better dissipated. It seems like Jules had sunk her fangs in Rue and never let go ever since Nate’s party. Rue felt like she was falling back into her bed. She felt her world quickly spinning and turning inside down. Reality was cruel; the same spinning feeling that Jules exuded, came back in full force. Unluckily for Rue, there was no euphoria this time around. The voices in her head screamed at her. There was no escape from this, was there ever going to be? Life seemed like a series of oscillating highs and lows. Rue’s mental state was never able to find a balance. Looking back at the first time she tried to deal with her father leaving her, she turned to drugs and drinking. Continuing onto the last time she tried to deal with Jules leaving her, her sobriety was rewarded with a kidney infection. Rue asked herself, why in the face of reunion did she feel this way? 

Rue knew the answer. It’s because Jules is never going to come back for good. Jules would only be in her life for moments. Like the fleeting memory of her father, she was never going to get both of them back. Love was just a shot in the dark, with a small hope that you fall for the right person.

It really felt like Rue fell for the wrong person. But who wouldn’t fall for Jules? In Rue’s mind it seemed like it was only the overwhelming powers of the universe pushing them apart. 

All those thoughts culminated into a painful silence. Rue pulled out her phone. Her phone was the only thing that wasn’t spinning. She stared at Jules phones for an hour trying to formulate any sort of answer. The last functioning part of her brain prevented her from sending back any declaration of love and forgiveness. 

Everything was made worse by what happened to Lexi the day before. Rue was always a person who was most drawn by the things available to her. It was a disease, a product of her mental state. Things out of the picture did nothing but haunt her. She feared the unknown. Right now that unknown was Jules and Lexi. But the thing was, Lexi came back. Rue remembered Lexi’s hug fondly. Despite all Rue had done, Lexi came back. 

It took every inch of Rue’s limited willpower to send a message to Lexi instead of Jules. Rue felt scared. But for once it didn’t consume her. She had taken a big step away from Jules. Rue hoped she wouldn’t regret it. 

Lexi never received many messages from anyone. So Rue’s text broke her phones silence. 

Rue: Lex, can u talk rn?

As soon as Lexi saw the text, her mood instantly rose. She was glad Rue wasn’t mad at her after her self-sabotaging actions the night before. It was chance for Lexi make things right. 

Lexi: Yeah of course Rue. 

Lexi: I’m sorry about what happened yesterday.

A small wave of comfort washed over Rue. Lexi’s message dulled the pain that Jules had sent over a while ago. That was the best thing about Lexi, no matter what happens, she was all ears. 

Rue: its ok

Rue: i know u didnt mean it

Lexi’s heart melted with a slight pang echoing after she read those words. She smiled delicately, it hurt but at least it wasn’t over between the two. She spent the entire day worrying and replaying the events from the night before. There was always a level of uncertainty when it came to Rue. Lexi felt like every time she tried to talk to Rue, nothing she ever fantasized happened. 

Lexi: What did you wan to talk about?

Lexi spent a while trying to avoid sounding annoyed. She hated sending text messages, it wasn’t that she really ever texted anyone to begin with. Lexi would only text Cassie and Rue. She didn’t even text regularly with Kat, BB or even Maddy. 

Rue was glad that Lexi was willing to listen. 

Rue: jules texted me

Lexi’s blood rushed to her feet. Her worse nightmares had come back to haunt her. She knew Jules would stumble back into Rue’s life, just to create another mess that Rue ultimately is swept up in. Lexi couldn’t help herself but feel slight moments of resentment building towards Jules.

Lexi: Rue, are you ok?

It took a while for Rue to respond. She wasn’t ok, but that wasn’t the correct answer. 

Rue: im fine

Lexi knew Rue better than that.

Lexi: Do you need me to come over?

Lexi really did know Rue well.

Rue: yes.

* * *

Rue heard a faint muted knock on her window. It was a familiar scene, but with another actor. It was Lexi. Rue couldn’t help but think about Jules on the day on the carnival. It felt all the same, but one small glimmer of solace resided in the back of Rues mind; the fact that Lexi wouldn’t leave Rue behind. 

Rue stumbled out of bed, her feet lumbered towards the window. She nearly collapsed along the way. Lexi’s face scrunched up with concern. 

Lexi immediately hugged Rue tight when she landed into Rue’s room. Rue felt comforted by the faint sweet smell of Lexi’s hair. Rue felt her knees get weaker as every second passed, as if she was on borrowed time. She hung onto Lexi as snug as she could. The smaller girl began struggling to keep the both of them up and began to move towards the bed. Rue’s eyes began to grow heavy.

“Its ok Rue. I’m here.” Lexi whispered while stroking Rue’s hair neatly. Lexi knew what comforted Rue.

In Rue’s constant struggle against herself, her inner discord worked against her. Rue craved order, but was trapped in a storm of her own disorder. 

Rue wanted to cry, but she had no energy for tears. The pain that she felt exhausted her to no end. She felt herself drifting off into sleep from pure emotional exhaustion. 

“I love you Lexi.” Rue muttered. Saying that felt right, Rue didn’t care that she wasn’t supposed to say it.

Everything fell in place.

“I love you too Rue.” 

Lexi kissed Rue. Their lips connected beneath the faint glow of the moon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My tumblr account is: https://thewondertoast.tumblr.com/
> 
> If you wanna ask me anything don't be afraid to shoot me a question.
> 
> This one is a bit shorter than the others. Sorry about that, but I wanted to keep the angst more brie because it felt like a repeat of other chapters. 
> 
> I don't hate Jules btw.


	7. High For This

The rest of the kiss felt like a dream. Rue’s body began to float to the moon. Only Lexi’s kiss kept her tethered to reality. It was different this time. Rue was kissing Lexi and Lexi was kissing back. The both of them were glad that it finally wasn’t a one-sided affair. Their kiss was a delicate dance, and it took two the tango. With every kiss, Rue’s mind spiraled deeper into deep euphoria. With her eyes close, Rue could only feel Lexi’s lips and the heat that surrounded her. The occasional deep breath that Lexi took in between kisses, only served to reinvigorate Rue’s attraction. There was no stopping these both. Delicate details left permanent impressions in Rue’s brain. Rue noticed how Lexi’s lips faintly tasted of strawberry, her shirt was soft, and her skin was cold. The mixed synesthesia of senses overcame Rue’s mind. But this time she was in control and for now, it wasn’t stopping her. 

Lexi had waited for this moment for the past 12 years of her life. Years and years of pining and late night fantasies fueled Lexi’s fervor. This was what she always wanted. She never thought she would experience the day that she was kissing Rue Bennett for real and with no excuse other than their feelings of immense attraction. It felt so good yet so wrong. Lexi felt like she didn’t deserve this ending. Alas, it was happening. Lexi was going to enjoy it. Lexi liked the way Rue kissed her. Her lips were soft and tasted of cinnamon. Lexi especially felt giddy over the way Rue cupped her face, as they stayed there frozen in time. Lexi didn’t want the kisses to end.

Eventually they tired themselves out. They resorted to lie on Rue’s bed, face to face. It had been a long day, and it felt like it had only begun. Regardless, Rue was exhausted, and so was Lexi. The rush from their brains slowed down to a simmer. Although they slowed down on the kissing, Rue still felt content enjoying the delicate embrace from Lexi. Rue was stuck in a trance. For once, everything felt good. It felt like all the pieces from the past had all assembled together to form the utter serenity that she had felt in bed with Lexi. All the questions that pestered her brain fell silence, as Rue had finally found the answer. It was still awkward between Lexi and Rue; both had never been the shining examples of healthy communication. But it felt like they were finally on the right page. It was about time. Rue continued to stare at Lexi’s face. Her eyes were closed, with tiny strands of her hair covering her face. Rue couldn’t help but smile at the sight of her best friend. Lexi opened her eyes; her pupils reflected the glimmer from Rue’s window. Lexi smiled back.

“I’ve been waiting a long time for this.” Lexi whispered. 

“I’m glad it’s happening now.” Rue replied smiling at Lexi. Rue could do this for hours. She finally felt at peace for once. 

“Oh really?” Lexi wanted to tease Rue. Her affection often felt like a one sided affliction.

“Yeah”

“I didn’t know you ever felt that way towards me.” The teasing had continued. In full honesty the question was made in jest, but a part of Lexi wanted to see how Rue would respond.

“I’ve always felt that way. Some of those feelings got lost a while ago. But their back Lexi.” Rue responded. She wanted to make sure Lexi knew this was real. Rue wanted to make sure of it. 

“So you got lost?” Their light flirting had transformed into something serious. Lexi didn’t know if it was time for this.

“Yeah. But I found you again. Just like before.” Rue placed her palm on Lexi’s face. It was cold. Rue slowly moved her lips to Lexi’s head and kissed her forehead. 

Lexi’s smile grew so large that it hurt.

“I like you a lot.” Lexi didn’t have the guts to say I love you again. It was something that had too much weight to spring onto their fragile balance at the moment. Her heart pounded, it felt like everything could come to grinding halt. The fact that the moment was so delicate made it even more valuable in her eyes, Lexi would try her hardest to fight for it. She would try her hardest to fight for Rue. 

“I like you too.” Rue grinned. She really did like Lexi a lot. Rue didn’t want to fuck this one up. Lexi was her second chance.

Lexi giggled while turning red. She would roll her eyes and cringe whenever Cassie would say those words to Mckay. It was funny that Lexi had become the one repeated those sappy words of endearment. She would dream of holding Rue in her arms as she fell asleep alone. Now that her dream had become a very real reality, it felt surreal that she could be happy. There were so many obstacles along their long journey back to each other. Now that it’s over, there was a new path that they would take, together.

A faint silence appeared. Both Lexi and Rue went back to staring into each other’s eyes with Cheshire grins and longing gazes. But Lexi couldn’t help herself. She stretched her head forward and moved to kiss Rue once again. Lexi was getting addicted to the soft lips that welcomed her.

Rue felt her mind spinning round and round as Lexi kissed her again. It surprised Rue that Lexi was taking charge. Still, Lexi was holding back, Rue knew that she wanted more and was just too shy to ask. So Rue took her arms and pulled Lexi on top of her. Lexi let out a small shriek that made Rue’s heart stop. It made Rue want Lexi more. 

Both of them didn’t get much sleep that night. The night was filled with the cycle of Rue and Lexi passionately making out in different positions, getting tired and trying to sleep, then one of then reinitiating another series of kisses. Both were too nervous to cross any lines, but it was enough for them. They eventually fell asleep, in each other’s arms. 

They dreamt of each other. Until Lexi’s phone alarm went off. Life hit them like a pile of bricks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the brief absence.
> 
> My tumblr account is: https://thewondertoast.tumblr.com/
> 
> If you wanna ask me anything don't be afraid to shoot me a question.


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